There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
