sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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