Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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