My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
