before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
