I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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