wrigley field is MILF paradise
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
did i just pee glitter
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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