I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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