I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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