I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
