Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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