I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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