Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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