I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
