I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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