I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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