Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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