The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
