he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
