She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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