yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
