I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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