so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
