I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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