Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
