Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
