Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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