I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
