i just wanna soil my oats bro
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
