did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
