Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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