Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
