My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
