My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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