it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
