you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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