You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
