An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
