please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
