Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
