I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
