I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
