the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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