Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
