I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
