Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
