She tied me up with her honor cords...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
