I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
