That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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