Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
